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New Year Intensive: Online Satsang of January 1, 2024

German with German and English subtitles.
Satsang followed by meditation.

German with English subtitles.

Topics: Sharing tasks in the partnership. Is she the right one? Pain and disappointment after an affair. Preserving the energy of the Guru. Decisions, insecurity and trust. The partner's obsession to control. When the need for a relationship disappears.

About this Video:

In this second and final Satsang of the short New Year's Intensive, the focus was again and again on questions about relationships. Looking back, this was a genuine "Relationship Satsang".

Relationships are a topic that affects everyone equally, because it is in relationships with other people that we are confronted with ourselves and our hidden challenges. That is why relationships are so useful and so fruitful, also on the spiritual path. In this Satsang I not only had the opportunity to answer many questions about this, I was also able to share some of my own experiences on this topic again.

This was my first "Intensive" of my own, and it was wonderful for me. The next one is already being planned! I thank all the participants for their trust and openness, and I look forward to the next opportunity to immerse ourselves in Satsang and silence together for a few days.

Full translated transcript for reading along

[Mikael:] Hello, welcome to the new year. Nice to have you here.

This is the second Satsang of this short Intensive over New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. And in case you weren't here yesterday, I'll briefly explain what we're doing here. If you want, you can ask questions. You can do this either via Zoom in the chat or by speaking or via YouTube, there simply write in the chat. And when you write your questions, they will be read out and I can then say something about them. And if you want to ask your question yourself via Zoom, then you can give a hand signal in Zoom and then I'll let you know when it's your turn and then you can speak.

And the whole thing goes on until 4pm, and between 3:30pm and 4pm, the last half hour, there's the opportunity to meditate together with me and everyone else here. That's the Samarpan Meditation. And if you don't know it yet, it's very easy, and I will explain it again shortly beforehand, and you're welcome to join in. To begin with, I would like to read out two emails that I received at yesterday's Satsang, as a prelude, so to speak.

Elimar writes, and I had a conversation with her yesterday about Swamiji's statement that you can only attain liberation now through a living Guru. And she has a slightly different view than what I said. And now she writes: "Yesterday in the New Year's Eve Satsang online this may not have come across so well, but I think you can handle it well if a soul sometimes swings differently with regard to certain questions."

And I would like to say something briefly about this because, of course, I am not at all concerned that you agree with me. That's not what Satsang is about at all. On the contrary, the only thing I really say in every single one of my videos is that the only thing that has any value for you is that you are true to yourself; that you follow your feeling and that you go your way. And your path is different from anyone else's and also different from mine, of course.

And my path is different from that of my master and also different from that of my Guru. People tend to forget that when it comes to spiritual things. And of course I tell things, I tell things that I think are true or that I think are helpful, but that doesn't mean that they have to be true or helpful for you, or maybe not yet. Who knows? There were things in my life when my master told me something and I thought: he's crazy. I thought: he has no idea. And then, ten years later I knew that he was right.

And then I was able to accept it, and then it was valuable to me, but not before. So it's not at all about being of one mind or finding agreement. That is important, otherwise there will only be unnecessary discussions. That's not necessary at all. That's one thing. And then I had a wonderful conversation with Mike. He had two questions about his relationship at the moment. And he wrote back and had two additional questions, which I would like to answer right at the beginning.

"I am very grateful for your answer to my question yesterday. I asked if my relationship and partner is the right one for me. Your answer about not having expectations of my partner resonates strongly with me and I would like to look further into how my expectations affect my relationship. However, there are still two questions that came to me from your answer that I would like to ask now.

One question would be that there are also very practical expectations that you have of your partner, for example the fair sharing of housework or child-cearing if you have children. Or questions like: are we going on a skiing vacation or to the beach? My fear is: if my ideas and expectations are not given space and are not heard, what will happen to me in the relationship? Where will I be then?"

Thank you, Mike, for checking that out again. I love these really quite practical questions. For me, it's the acid test of everything spiritual: does it have practical value? For me, the spiritual is something very, very down-to-earth, very practical.

And these are really great questions. What is it like in a relationship? It's easy to say: no expectations, but then who does the washing up? Who vacuums, who goes shopping? Who earns the money?

I still remember very well the relationship I had while I was on the team at Soham and traveled around with him. I was with a woman there who was also on our team. We had a very long relationship and there was a time, I remember it very clearly, when I felt just like you. She was a wonderful person, but very chaotic and not at all structured when it came to work that needed to be done. And I tend to be very structured and I'm more of a type, when I do something, I tidy everything up again afterwards so that the next time I want to do something, everything is ready.

And she's a different type. She leaves everything, and the next time she comes and wants to do something, she tidies up and then starts her new task. And that led to me feeling like I was constantly tidying up everything. I do all the work here. And I was often really grumpy. Then I got annoyed. I didn't say anything. Somehow I thought that wasn't cool or spiritual. You shouldn't have any expectations, but it wasn't easy for me.

And of course I did try to say something and we talked about it, but that didn't help. You can't change people. People are just the way they are. If you have discussions, then you're really just fooling yourself for a while and then after a while you realize: "he's just like he was before" or "she's just like she was before".

But I just stuck with what my master advised me to do at the time: don't have any expectations, don't talk about things, don't discuss any problems with each other, just stay with myself, feel my feelings and look after myself. And these very practical issues that you just mentioned then all disappeared into thin air, as follows.

Instead of expecting my partner to do the washing up in equal measure, for example, or that she should put her stuff away just like me when she's done with a job, I simply pretended that it was all my job. I just completely stopped expecting anything from her. And then I looked: do I feel like doing the washing up or not? Or: do I perhaps feel like just doing my dishes but leaving her plate? Anything is conceivable. But that was too stupid for me. I always did everything straight away.

And once I had simply started to really get to grips with all these practical things... The only question I then asked myself was: do I want to do this right now or not? And if I didn't feel like it or had the feeling that I've just done so much, now it's over, now I'm taking a break, now I'm doing other things, then I just didn't do it. But if I didn't do it, then I didn't expect my partner to do it instead. I just left it there. And as a result, a lot of things started to happen on their own that you can't even imagine.

We always think we have to plan everything from the outset and discuss and divide up who does what, all these practical things. But that's a nightmare, it's really, really awful. It has nothing to do with a love relationship. But once I stopped expecting anything, including these practical things, from my partner, I just did the things that I wanted, not the others. And then it was as if there was suddenly space. Then things just stood around when I wasn't doing them. And at some point, she may or may not have done them.

And then some really interesting things happened.

I realized that there are a lot of things that I do and that I think are right and important, for example tidying, cleaning, tidying up. These are things that are close to my heart and I'm also good at them, and they come very easily to me. And then I realized that there are lots of things that she does that I have no idea about, that my male eye doesn't even notice.

Often things that have nothing to do with doing, but with putting love into something, making something beautiful, the things that men like to regard as unnecessary. And then after a while I realized that there are lots of things that she takes care of in her own way that I don't even notice. And that led me to relax a bit about the whole issue after a while.

And that applies to everything.

As soon as I stop discussing something or trying to decide on it together, to make a decision, but simply let it take its course, then there's space, and then the other partner can also see what they want to do and what they don't want to do. Then the whole thing becomes... The best word that comes to mind is: the whole thing becomes alive, spontaneous.

And of course, you may end up with a partner where it doesn't really work in the long term. But then you experience that. And that leads to the right solution all by itself. Perhaps the solution will be that the relationship ends at some point, but not because you're angry, not because you feel your partner isn't doing enough, but by itself, in a completely natural way and without anyone deciding anything. You also ask, that's the second part of the question, which I'm going to read out now because it fits right now.

And the second question: "Is she the right one, I asked yesterday. How would I know if she wasn't the right one?" That's also something... I advise you not to worry about this question at all. Don't worry about "Is she the right one?" Don't have the expectation that she's the right one. She's your partner right now, that's it. And if you stop worrying about questions like this and just look at this moment: what do I want to do now? What is important to me right now? If it's important to you, just do it.

Everything that is important to you, just do it yourself. If you were alone, you would have to do it yourself anyway. It's that simple. And everything that isn't important to you and that you don't have time for, you just don't do. And in my experience, that's not only the only way it really works between lovers, but also one that works really well. You really have to discover that for yourself and experience it for yourself. And as I said, also in the very practical, the very mundane things.

You ask: where are you, where are your needs in the relationship if they are not heard or seen? The only person who needs to hear and see your needs is you.

Then you take care of yourself. Then you simply do what's important to you. And then you'll automatically find out where the intersections are, where you do things together that you really enjoy together, and otherwise you take care of yourself and she takes care of herself. And that makes the relationship easier, there's real life and air and space and independence. There's also room for love. Otherwise, it's a practical arrangement, but it has nothing to do with love.

You wrote yesterday that you have the feeling that the love is crumbling away. Of course love is crumbling away. The love... Either there are expectations and agreements, or there is just love and dancing, but that requires you to take care of yourself, always. That may sound a bit strange, but I say: take care of yourself as if you were living alone. And then living together works magically. Thank you, Maik. Thank you. And if you still have a question, please feel free to write to me again. I think the topic is so, so valuable.

We simply haven't learned how to live together. The only role models we have are terrible role models, our parents for example. We've never learned how it really works. We have never learned how to look after ourselves. We didn't even learn that you're allowed to, let alone have to. When it comes to relationships, we really are starting from scratch, from kindergarten.

It's especially important for men to learn this, and that's how my liberation began. I learned to take care of myself in the relationship because I realized that if I didn't do that, if I had expectations of my girlfriend, then my relationship would be hell. I was just annoyed the whole time. And now? I've been living with a partner for years, not the one from back then. But she ticks in exactly the same way. She ticks in the same way as my former girlfriend. She leaves everything laying around. After she has cooked, the kitchen is a mess.

When I've cooked, the kitchen is spotless afterwards. We never have any discussions. We never discuss who does what, it all happens by itself. It's unbelievable. And I can see how much she does. I see why she does things the way she does them, even if I would do them completely differently. And this mutual understanding and appreciation simply comes from the fact that you don't expect anything, nothing at all, from the other person. Nothing. Not even that he says good morning in the morning.

Not even that your partner will sleep in the same bed with you in the evening. You know, we have so many expectations that we don't even know about. You can really discover a lot. And then it becomes really beautiful. I don't even know how I used to be able to live in a relationship with all these expectations and ideas I had in my head. It's a mystery to me. It didn't really work in the past, actually. So, this topic is really close to my heart, which is why I'd like to invite you or whoever to write to me again. Thank you, Maik, thank you again.

[Simone:] Mikael, we have a comment and a question in the chat.

[Mikael:] Yes, please.

[Simone:] I like to read out what Gabi König wrote. "Dear Mikael, I am infinitely grateful for your full answers, yesterday in the live chat, the other day in the video and in your personal letter. I am very touched and carried by love. Thank you."

[Mikael:] Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Simone:] And Narashima has a question. A similar one to the one she formulated yesterday, but she has an addition. "Hi Mikael. There is often doubt and uncertainty here regarding decisions. Do you have an impulse on how clarity and trust can emerge instead? Thanks."

[Mikael:] Actually, we are forced into this kind of wisdom by life. You asked yesterday how it is with decisions: that there are things where you can't decide. And my advice to you was not to make any decisions.

Wait until the decision matures on its own and disappears, because then you suddenly realize what you have to do.

You know, "decision" is something that doesn't really exist. It is an idea in our intellect. What does exist is clarity. Sometimes something is clear to you. Someone asks you a question and you don't need to think, the answer is perfectly clear to you. If you don't have clarity, then the answer would normally be: "I don't know, I can't say anything about it." You ask me a question, I have nothing to say. But we don't want that.

We still want... We don't have clarity, but we still want an answer. We want an answer for ourselves or for someone else. And then we have the feeling that we have to make a decision. But we can't, and then we go round in circles. And that's what I meant by my answer to you yesterday. If I can't find clarity within myself about a certain question that I or someone else has for me, then I don't bother with it any further.

I simply forget the question and wait until either clarity comes of its own accord, and then suddenly everything is quite simple. And then everything flows smoothly. Or I forget the question and it never comes back, because it was completely irrelevant. Most of the questions in my life dissolve like that, because life then takes care of them in a completely different way, even though I would have previously thought, I have to decide this now. And you ask how trust and confidence come about.

It actually only comes when we are forced by life to let life do its thing. Either you're in a situation where you simply can't decide, and then you see what life makes of it. Then you might experience for yourself how suddenly, two weeks later... You had actually forgotten about the question. Suddenly it is as clear as day to you what you want to do. And then you know from your own experience what I mean and how easy it is. Confidence only ever comes from your own experience, not from what Mikael or anyone else says.

What I can give you is... I can give you a little bit of my trust in life so that it's easier for you to have your own experiences from time to time and then you can experience it for yourself: "Ah, that really works!" My advice is: start with very small things.

There are quite a few decisions that are actually quite mundane, but which often plague us a lot, simply because our brain thinks it has to make the right decision right now. Then simply wait and ask yourself the question again and again: "Do I know the answer? Is it clear to me now, or is there still some ambiguity?" And when clarity comes, then the question is gone. That is quite amazing. Suddenly there's nothing left to answer.

But your question now was: where does confidence come from? It only comes from your own experience. In my life, I started trying out very small things and then I kept realizing how good it is and that I can really trust life.

There's one thing you could try, which has proved to be very, very helpful for me. Sometimes you have to do something, you can't wait.

I'm trying to remember an example. Let's say someone invites you out. A handsome man invites you to the movies, and you really don't know if it's a good idea or not, and you think about it for two days, but you don't know what to do. But that night is the movie night, and now it's about time. The guy wants to know what's going on. And what I did in situations like that, is: I just did something. My master advised me to do that, of course.

So, it doesn't matter, either you say "yes, I'll come, thanks for the invitation", or you say "no, I'm not coming" and say something polite so that he's happy. And my experience is that once you've made a decision, no matter which one, something really interesting happens. Let's say you have said, "okay, I'll come", and then you get ready, make yourself beautiful, get ready to go out, and then you realize, "no, that's impossible!"

The closer it gets to the time when you walk out the front door and want to get to the subway, you realize: "That's not possible." Or you realize you're getting sick. Or you go down the stairs to the front door and break your foot. Things like that have happened in my life. Not the foot thing, but everything else. Or you say: "No, I'm not coming". You're just scared, it's all a bit too exciting for you. You say "No, I'm not coming" and then you sit at home in the afternoon with a cup of tea and think: "What am I stupid?

I actually really want to do this. Why don't I dare?" And then, then you feel the feelings. And simply because you have made a decision, space is created. Your head is quiet, the decision is made, and suddenly you start to feel what is actually there. And then everything becomes clear. That's one thing you can do. And the other thing I learned, and that was also taught to me by my master... He said: "You can't do anything wrong." And of course that doesn't really go into my head.

He said: "No matter what you do, you can't do anything wrong." There are also a few saints who liked to say that, Ramana Maharshi, for example, is one of them. He said: "That which is meant to happen will happen, no matter how much you don't want it to. And what is not meant to happen will not happen, no matter how hard you try." And that fits in perfectly with this topic. And I've also played with this quite often in my life. There was something I really wanted to do, but I thought: "I don't know if that's a good idea?

What if it goes wrong or something happens?" And then I thought of this advice from my master and just decided something: "Okay, I'll do it now. Maybe it's a huge mistake, but I'm just going to do it now. I can't do anything else." And then I often found that I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't. Either I lost the desire after my decision, as in the example I just gave. Or the car didn't start. Or there was a huge traffic jam on the highway and I had to turn around.

And in other cases I did it, everything was easy and nothing bad happened. It was wonderful and I wondered why I was so worried. And that's how I gradually learned that confidence that you just asked about, where this comes from. This confidence only comes from your own experience. And it starts to grow with many small, small experiences. And very gradually you realize that you can rely on life in all matters, no matter how important they seem to us. That's my experience, without exception.

I have sweated so much in my life. I've been in situations that were impossible, absolutely impossible. And I was forced into this trust. I didn't know what to do. And every time it not only went well, but afterwards I realized: it's incredible what solutions life comes up with. I could never have imagined any of this. It would never have occurred to me that it was even possible. But as I said, these are the own experiences on which this trust gradually grows.

When you have the feeling that you have to make a decision, it's the intellect that wants to have everything under control and wants to know exactly what is going to happen and that the right thing is going to happen. But life usually has much better, much more beautiful and much more exciting, more dangerous ideas.

Thank you for your questions.

[Simone:] There is a question from Boris in the chat.

[Mikael:] Hello Boris, yes, please.

[Simone:] I'd be happy to read it out now, Mikael.

[Mikael:] Yes, please.

[Simone:] He writes: "Question from my girlfriend: how do I deal with my boyfriend's trigger control compulsion?"

[Mikael:] Thank you for this question. Thank you.

That's a tough one.

I remember a time in my life, that was also with the friend I was talking about earlier, who was also on Soham's team with me. And we both had the same master, namely Soham. And we both naturally learned to get to know ourselves better and better and to look after ourselves. And we gradually became more and more free as a result. And then there came a time when she became interested in another man. And then something happened that I had never experienced before.

I always thought I'm not jealous, I'm totally cool. And I never used to be jealous either, probably because I never really had a reason, I don't know. Or it was probably because I didn't know about my feelings before. But at the time I had gotten very close to my feelings and was very connected to my feelings. And there was this situation where I realized: "Oops, she is interested in the other man." And I went through hell. I went through hell. I had feelings and pain that I couldn't have imagined before.

The stupid thing was that I just loved her. And you can't control someone you love, you can't do that. I mean, controlling and loving don't go together. If you love someone, then of course you can only do that in freedom. And for me, there was no question that I... It was clear: she is a free person and I only wanted the best for her. And if she wants to do that, then of course she should be able to do it.

That's not even a question, I don't really have any say in the matter. The other person is simply free, they don't need permission, nothing like that. But the feelings I had there were really a huge challenge for me. It kept me busy for a long time. It took a few years before I really became friends with it. It was a really big task for me.

But luckily I was with a good master and he kept encouraging me: "Don't talk to her about it, feel your feelings, again and again, again and again." I let her go, again and again. We were together for a long time after that, there wasn't really a problem or anything, but these feelings were a huge challenge for me. I never really had a need to control, but I'm telling this example from my life because I believe that behind this need to control someone are such feelings.

So, that's one side of it.

The other side is: you are asking as a friend here, so you have a partner who is trying to control you.

I've experienced that too.

It was so normal for me to conform to my partner's expectations that I didn't even realize how much I was letting myself be controlled and patronized, all in the name of love, of course. But of course I couldn't do that today. Your problem, you as a partner who has a partner, who has a compulsion to control... your problem is not your partner's compulsion to control. He can go ahead and have it, that's his problem.

Compulsive control is a terrible thing for the person who has it. But it's not your problem. Your challenge is that you also want something from him. If you didn't want anything from him, if you were truly independent of him inside, then you couldn't care less whether he wants to control you or not. If he tries to control you, you could just say, "You know what? Leave me alone. That's just weird.

You can't do that here." That's how I would react today, if someone tried to control me. Then I would say: "Hello? I didn't ask you for permission. What are you doing? I'm free." Of course, there are no such discussions in my life. But you probably don't react like that because you also want something from him. You want him to be there. You want him to love or like you. You want him not to leave you.

And that's your challenge, not the need to control. When you don't want anything from him, when you don't expect anything from him, when you are ready to let him go, then you are free. And when you are free, only then can you say to him: "You know what? Stop doing that. It's not working with me." And then the problem is gone.

Either he then leaves because he can't stand it, or you find a completely new basis for being together all by yourself. But this basis of togetherness, as I mentioned a few times yesterday and today, always develops when everyone takes care of themselves, because then this freedom arises. And you don't need your partner for that to happen. It only starts with yourself.

When you are ready to take care of yourself and when you are ready not to need your partner, then there is this freedom. And these little games that we often play with each other in partnerships, wanting to control all these things, it's so human, so many people experience it... I've experienced it myself. They all have one thing in common: that you think you need each other.

The moment you let go of your partner, inwardly, the moment you are ready to be alone, you are free and you will have a different partnership. This does not mean that you have to move out or end the partnership. It doesn't mean that at all. This is not about making decisions, nor is it about saying to your partner: "If you carry on like this, I'll leave." You're simply not playing the game. If you have the feeling that someone is controlling you, then you say: "Wait a minute, not with me."

No decision. Just saying in that moment, "Stop, not like that." And then you will see what happens to you and your partner. And I can tell you, there is so much potential for development, for learning, for change, that you don't even think it's possible. You think: "If I don't go along with this, or if I become independent now, then the partnership won't work anymore, then it's over." That's how it really feels, but it's not true.

When your energy changes, when you come back to yourself, when you take care of yourself and not what he wants, then the whole energy changes. Your aura changes, and so does his. Then it's as if there are two completely new people together and you will be able to dance with each other differently. I have experienced this over and over again in my life.

Thank you for your question, and thank you for your trust in asking such questions. Thank you.

[Simone:] Boris added that her name is Elke. I wanted to tell you that. And Narashima writes: "Thank you, that's helpful. It seems like some events have happened here that have shaken my confidence quite a bit and now uncertainty and doubt seem to be fundamental."

[Mikael:] Yeah, I get it.

It's like this: once you start to develop this trust a little bit, then you discover all this more and more. It's not that only the beautiful things in life happen, but you discover that everything that happens in life is perfect, even the things that are difficult for me at times. And then you also discover that what used to happen was good, even things that back then you said were a nightmare.

Now I realize how life, through all these things, has enabled me to live the way I do today. But you can usually only see that in retrospect, only once you've developed a bit of confidence. I can tell you that everything that happens to you in life is good, but of course that doesn't help you.

There is a trick. I don't think much of tricks like that. I think these things just take time, but maybe it will help you. If you are grateful for everything that happens in your life, for everything, even for the things you don't understand, even for the things that hurt, then a whole new perspective opens up for you from the heart. Gratitude is a feeling from the heart.

The intellect, the mind cannot be grateful, but the heart can be grateful, and if you... the mind doesn't understand at all why life has done this to you, but if you can still say thank you: "Thank you. I am so stupid. I don't understand at all what this is all about, but thank you", then you will experience how you can see things differently over time. That's my personal experience. Maybe that will help you a little.

[Simone:] Boris says thank you too, Mikael.

[Mikael:] Oh, you're welcome Boris.

[Simone:] And there are no other questions in the chat at the moment.

[Mikael:] Yeah, I'll see what I've got here then.

Yesterday and today is obviously relationship Satsang. I have a wonderful question about relationships.

"Every now and then, like now, I feel great loneliness, deep sadness and dark hopelessness. It's almost unbearable, and something essential is always missing. In the sea of tears, there is ultimately only this sacred vision, this: I finally want to go home. In being human, this aspect of neediness tries to compensate for this incompleteness with partnerships. My last experience in the form of an affair ended very painfully.

Although some time has already passed, I still feel screwed, lied to, cheated on, used and thrown away. And I am left with feelings of boundless pain, hurt, disappointment, worthlessness, being unimportant and no longer being able to trust anyone. There are already some videos from you on these topics, but perhaps you would still like to give me a few words from this moment."

Thank you for the question.

I'm so happy to say something about it.

You can trust people. You can trust them to be how they really are and not how they seem to be or how they should be, men for example. There are some videos where I talk about how men tick, and I don't actually make the videos for the women, but for the men, because most men have no idea at all how they tick. But neither do women, of course.

I experienced a time that I would like to tell you about briefly.

I used to be a totally shy guy when it came to women. I liked being in a relationship and would never have had an affair, never, that was unthinkable. I wouldn't have dared to do something so wrong. And I was basically a totally faithful partner, but not because I was a faithful partner, but simply because I was afraid. I didn't want to be alone and I just wanted to do everything right. And then I came to Soham, and he taught me to get to know myself, and I became more independent and more courageous.

I was no longer dependent on a woman to love me because I slowly started to love myself. And then there was a time when I actually dared to get involved with a woman, simply because I was in love with her, without a partnership. I could never have imagined that before. I remember... one of the first women I ever had anything to do with in my life, I married her straight away because I thought: if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right.

And for me, it was a huge thing to simply experience something like that with a woman. And I was able to do that because by that time I had come so close to myself that I no longer had any expectations of any woman. And that's why I was able to explore this whole area of partnership and sexuality for the first time independently and play with it a bit, which is something you might actually do in puberty. But that was completely unthinkable for me in my life. I got married straight away.

And then I experienced something interesting. I thought... I always tried to be totally honest and sincere. I didn't pretend anything to the woman. I didn't say to her: "I want to live with you" in order to have an affair with her. I was totally sincere. I said: "I don't want a relationship, but I think you're really great and really beautiful, and maybe you'd like to meet up with me." And then she said yes and I was in seventh Heaven. I just thought it was totally beautiful and I loved this woman, even though I didn't want to be with her. And I thought that was a good thing.

I was totally naive. I thought it was enough if I didn't have any expectations and if I was honest. And then I was totally surprised, because then I experienced it several times... It happened to me a few times over the years that this person I had been in contact with experienced exactly what you describe. Totally hurt, totally in pain. And I no longer understood the world. I thought she knew what to expect, I was honest after all. And I didn't understand that people don't tick like that. I didn't understand that I couldn't buy my way out of human responsibility by simply being honest.

And most men probably aren't honest at all, they'll tell you anything to get you into bed. And then I learned that the people I had contact with at that time didn't know what they were actually expecting or looking for. The woman who was in pain afterwards didn't mean any harm. I didn't mean any harm, but the woman didn't either, of course. And then I learned that the vast majority of people don't know what they are really looking for, what they really expect.

And since I've known that, it's been impossible for me to do something like that.

I can now see more clearly, what the other person is really looking for, even though they don't know it themselves. And then I can't take any pleasure in it. I can't. I would cause the other person pain, even if they don't know it at the moment, only a few weeks later. I'm telling you this because you can't rely on the other person seeing your expectations and acting accordingly. It took me years to realize that.

It might still happen to me again today, I don't know, I can't rule it out. But another person, even if they mean well, even if they have gotten to know themselves, even if they are a bit more awake than others, even then: you can never rely on the other person to take care of you. You have to do it yourself. And in this case, that means you have to discover what you really want.

And that's difficult to discover. It's not that easy. It's so easy to say. I have experienced ... I've had encounters with a woman who said quite clearly: "I don't want a relationship. I just want to have fun now." And we did, it was beautiful and touching, human, simply beautiful. And yet the pain was there afterwards. It was still there because we don't know our own expectations. We are so naive about ourselves.

The pain you feel now is your inner self describing what you were really looking for. The problem is not the man, he is the way he is. You can now say that he should have been different, but that doesn't help. He is still the way he is. But if you know from the outset what you really need in terms of circumstances when you get involved with someone close... For a woman, sexual union with a man is something that triggers a lot.

Most women don't even realize that. Only the pain that comes afterwards speaks about it.

And then... You know, I feel that way now: I feel... I can feel it in other people today.

And I can see that they don't know it themselves. It's just difficult to know each other that well.

And there's this old... People used to say: "Don't sleep with a man"... to a woman. The mother said it to the woman: "Don't sleep with a man until you're together." And of course we laugh about that today. "Yes, yes... Today we're allowed to do what we want." We are allowed to.

But these things have... Many of these old things, which at some point became completely hollow moral concepts because nobody understands them anymore and where they actually come from... many of these old rules are based on deep human realizations: that when we engage with each other sexually, we are connected in such a way and things are touched that require you to have a basis together, because otherwise it hurts very quickly, very, very, very much.

That's just the way it is. But we don't know that, we don't know that about ourselves. We don't know what we really expect and need, nor how sensitive we really are, and you're discovering that right now through your own pain.

So the best advice I can give you is: don't think about him. Don't reproach him. Not because he doesn't deserve it, but because it's not good for you, because you're harming yourself. Instead, accept this pain and all these feelings that are coming to you right now. You don't have to understand them, but allow them to eat away at you, really. And that will teach you what you need to know to be more mindful of yourself in the future. These feelings bring you closer to yourself.

Not intellectually. It is not that you will understand anything better. But you will take better care of yourself, you will feel sooner: "Wait a minute, I better not do that." Or you will just make sure that everything is going the way that is right and important for you. And then you'll see through the guys.

If you've made friends with your feelings and they've taught you what's important to you, then it's like you have really good instincts and you know exactly where it's painful and where it's not. And our feelings are our teachers, unfortunately, there's no getting around that. At the end of my answer to you, I would like to tell you one more thing. At the beginning of your question, you said that you entered into partnerships or such an affair because you feel so, so lonely and so alone.

And what you're looking for, you wrote it so beautifully, I just have to look it up again now... "I finally want to go home, this holy longing."

Don't worry about the men, worry about this sacred longing. You know you can't get it from men. Even if you had a relationship that worked well and where you weren't dumped, even then you'd realize: "He's great, but I'm still not at home."

You're not going to find home anywhere out there, no matter what man, no matter what job, no matter what your circumstances... You won't find home there, out there in life. It's somewhere else. It's inside you, and we have to discover that. And that's what we're here for. That's why I make videos, that's why we meditate. And when you feel this loneliness... You know, I resonate with you so much because I've gotten into so much trouble in my life for the same reasons.

I remember thirty-five years ago or so.... I felt so lonely, so lost, I had no foundation of my own at all. I felt completely lost. I still remember exactly how I stood at a hotel window and looked out and felt this pain inside me. I still remember that today. And then I decided to get involved with a woman out of this loneliness.

Of course, it didn't really do much good for me. I know that so well. And I couldn't do anything else back then, but you're somewhere else than I was back then. You know meditation. You already know the direction it's going in. And I would like to encourage you to search in this direction. And there are two things you can do. Meditate, but you're already doing that. And when these feelings visit you, this loneliness, this deep despair, this deep darkness, these feelings are also signposts.

Invite them in, let them come. Give them space. Let them get close to you, very close. Let them gradually engulf you, nibble at you. And the will transport you, you can't imagine it, but that's how it works, further and further to where you long to go. We look for happiness in some glamorous situation, but what you are experiencing right now, these feelings, these are the guides. They say: "this way, come here, in here, inside, to us." It really is like that.

You may not like them, but you can really trust them. You can trust them much more than any other people, and much more than any men, of course.

If you have any questions, please write. I love you. I love you.

[Simone:] Mikael, there's a comment from Sally about this. "The more I face my fears and feel connected in all-one, the more the need for a relationship disappears."

[Mikael:] Yes, that's my experience too. And you've just summarized it so beautifully in one sentence. When we connect with our... How did she write? The fears... [Simone:] "When I face my fears and feel connected in all-one...." [Mikael:] Yes, when we face our feelings, it makes us one. It's as if we ourselves are these feelings. We run away from ourselves. And when we invite these feelings, which we think are so wrong and dangerous, when we invite them in and let them get to us, then we become one with ourselves and one with everything.

It's like a miracle. I don't even talk about it anymore because it's so normal for me now, so I'm happy about comments like that. That's exactly the way. That's exactly my experience. You don't need a relationship anymore. You have one, then suddenly you have one when you don't need it anymore, and it's nice. Then, when you no longer need it, it becomes beautiful. Life is pretty funny, a comedy.

[Simone:] Geistreich writes: "Dear Dhyan Mikael, all the best and love for 2024, and many thanks for your valuable work, God's blessings on you."

[Mikael:] Ah, thank you. And for you too. This morning, I was reflecting a little on what this new year means to me. I am simply grateful. I am simply infinitely grateful for everything that has been, everything, without exception. I am so grateful. And I'm grateful for everything that's to come. I don't need to know what it is either. Thank you.

[Simone:] Narashima has another question regarding the relationship issues: "Thank you, is good to hear again. Insecurity at relationship level is also known here. Anxious attachment style, you could say. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you and best regards."

[Mikael:] This topic affects us all. I don't know anyone,, who is free of this relationship thing. The cooler people act, the more they are affected by it. We're just... we're all little kids who are full to the brim, up to our collars, full of feelings. We're all in the same boat.

We're like a kindergarten of little needy kids, and none of us have learned to take care of ourselves. None of us have learned to grow up, and we're gradually catching up. Very gradually. A master helps with this, spirituality helps with this. Meditation, Samarpan meditation is the best tool for me. We are just learning how to live. And I said that yesterday: Relationships are so helpful for us because we experience directly how immature we are, how unfinished we are.

It shows us where our task lies, not because it is so important to have a good relationship, but because it helps us to become whole and whole ourselves. It helps us on the way to God, to ourselves, so to speak. And then, as I said, the relationship becomes completely unimportant. It's just a classroom, so to speak, where you learn incredibly well. But what I wanted to say is: it affects us all. Everyone. I haven't met a single person in this life who doesn't have a huge thing about it.

[Simone:] There are currently no unanswered questions in the chat, Mikael.

[Mikael:] Thank you Simone, I'll see what else I have here.

"Dear Mikael, thank you so much for all the wonderful videos and the energy you provide. It calms me and gives me inner peace to listen to you. I reflected after the Shibir that I was able to absorb the beautiful, healing and empowering energy of Swamiji so many times this year. I was in Anushthan with him for forty-five days. I was at the place of meditation for Gurupurnima, and then he came to us in Germany in September.

And now, at the end of the year, the Megashibir online from Nagpur. Again and again, this recharging has carried me through this year. I only wish that I could keep it inside me for longer, all the good, all this love. Swamiji always talks about the chitta as the key. But how can I keep the chitta pure and holy in our completely normal everyday life and thus preserve this pure energy within me?"

Thank you for the question, thank you. The questioner is talking about chitta. "Chitta" is a word, that the Indians use, that Swamiji uses, and it means something like "attention", this ray of consciousness that you are and that you can direct towards something.

And we actually get so much through meditation, through a Guru like Swamiji, when we participate in these events. I also experienced it, I was at the Shibir last week, I made my last video about it, and it's just incredible how beneficial it is, it's incomprehensible. As a normal person, you can't really understand what's even possible.

And I really like the question, because then this is exactly what happens: this energy disappears again, and I would like to talk briefly about how you can avoid this. I would like to talk about what is important in life. That, what Swamiji calls chitta, this awareness of what you are... you can control what you direct that towards. For example, if you watch TV in the evening, watch the news or maybe some political programs or something, you will find that you feel a certain way inside. You probably feel full of fear. You doubt the world, you're afraid of the future.

You are sure: "There is no God here. Nothing is beautiful." And if you weren't watching TV, but if you had something completely different planned for the evening... you may have gone to a meditation group in the city, meditated together with other people. Your consciousness was directed inwards, towards the silence, and you were magically drawn closer. And the confidence and the good experiences of the people you met there strengthened this knowledge within you that you were already experiencing yourself, that the world is simply one big miracle. And you are in a completely different state.

And the difference between these two extreme examples is where you have focused your attention. It's like this: what you focus your attention on is where energy comes from. For example, if you pick up a book by Swamiji in the morning, and read a few paragraphs, then a very light, wondrous confidence and joy fills you, so secretly, that sometimes you don't even really notice it, because this energy comes to you. If you turn your attention to the daily newspaper instead, you will absorb a completely different energy. You will be offered negativity, worry, fear, difficulties.

And it's like this: we live in a world where it's completely normal to be preoccupied with problems and negativity all the time, almost without exception, as if that were reality.

I don't know what's going on here in the village. It's a tiny village, but nothing terrible happens here, it's just a normal village like any other. That doesn't matter: if you want to hear something negative .... Nothing negative actually happens in the next town either. But there are big cities, and if you turn on the news, you'll hear something negative from there.

And if that's not enough, there are enough countries in the world that are big enough for something negative to happen. And what we read in the newspapers, what we see on TV, that's the collection of all this news from around the world, all of it negative. And we really believe that this is reality, this is the world. Of course that's not true. Things happen, of course these things happen. But ninety-nine times more, completely different things happen that no one anywhere reports.

It's as if our intellect, as if our psyche is addicted to negativity.

And in this world where it's so normal that everyone gives in to this addiction, you may know that yourself ... Some people, it's more like gossip.... who tell you what bad thing someone has done again or what someone has done wrong. And you find these stories totally fascinating. But when someone tells you that someone has done something good, it doesn't really interest you.

But what you do has a decisive influence on our world, on our lives.

You can determine your life by what you focus your attention on. That's why meditation is so miraculous. I keep telling people that when you do Samarpan meditation, your life changes and you don't even know why. Everything changes. You feel better over time, calmer, more peaceful, more hopeful. But things happen more and more in life that you would never have thought possible in the past.

And it happens because for half an hour a day you don't let your own attention be drawn to the outside world and all the problems you will see there, but to the inside, to a place that connects you with God, even though you don't even know it. But there is nothing negative there. You are filled up with positivity, so to speak, without really realizing what is actually happening. And that half an hour changes your whole day.

And now you can imagine what happens when you manage to focus your attention at other times of the day too, not on negative things, headlines, newspapers, news, but on what is really around you, on the beautiful, on the good. And then that will become more in your life. It's really that simple. And I'm not just telling you that. I've been experiencing this in my life for decades.

And for six years, since I've known Samarpan meditation, and since I've known Swamiji, it's been happening everywhere in my life. It's unbelievable. And that's why it's so important what we do with our attention. It is so easy to sit on the sofa and scroll through Facebook. Half of it is some stupid ad, and the other half is some bad news and stuff where people are upset about something. And we let that get into us. And that is pure poison. And we let it in voluntarily.

We drink this poison voluntarily. But you can also drink something else with your attention. And that's the way we preserve this energy, that was the question. Don't focus your attention on negative things. Swamiji says: "Don't look at the world, how far the darkness reaches there. Instead, light your own light." And by that he means: turn inwards, meditate, there you will be filled up with brightness. If you look into the world to see if the darkness is still there: it is always there. It has no end.

But that's where everyone is looking. But when you look into the light, when you meditate, you will be amazed to see that the world around you is changing. It is no longer dark. But the crucial thing is what you do with your attention. Only you can control it. No Guru can do that for you. No one can. You have to do it yourself. And of course I'm no holier than the Pope in this respect, I also catch myself again and again, even today, directing my attention to things that are not beneficial for me, but more and more I feel what this does to me, just as you describe with your question.

Then the beautiful energy is gone again. And then I just try the opposite. And then I learn again: "Oh wow, five minutes of reading Swamiji and I'm a different person." And then half an hour on Facebook, and then you're completely trashed again. And so we learn very gradually, very gradually. And you don't have to... it is not enough to hear it once, it is not enough to learn it once. It's something we have to learn again and again, again and again. Thank you for your question. So now it's time for us to turn to the meditation. I so enjoyed meditating with you and you guys yesterday.

Swamiji says again and again: you should meditate for half an hour once a day, first thing in the morning, directly after waking up, but then also once a week if possible, but at least once a month, but better once a week, together with others, because it has a different and incredibly powerful effect. And I experience this again and again, and I experienced it again yesterday when we sat here together online and meditated together online. Swamiji says: if you are a hundred people meditating together, then it's as if each individual would meditate alone for a hundred hours.

That's how powerful it is, and I felt that yesterday, and I was so grateful. That's why I'm now looking forward to our meditation together even more.

And if you're not yet familiar with Samarpan meditation, I'll tell you very, very briefly how it works in practice. There are also introductions. The people at offer an online introduction once a week, on Monday evenings, where they explain exactly how it works. You can find the links on my website if you're interested. And soon, probably in March or so, isn't quite fixed yet, I'll also be doing an official introduction for anyone who is interested in. But there's no time for that today.

I'll just say a few things about it and that's enough for today. You can simply join in at. In practical terms: you just sit down. I'll say a few practical things now, but none of them are important. The only important thing is that you meditate. Swamiji always emphasizes that. I'm just going to say a few things now, because you have to sit somehow, and then you can sit down in the best way. But if you can't do that, just do it the way it suits you. There are no rigid rules here, there are no constraints. You find your own way.

So, you sit down, I like to sit on the floor in the tailor. If you can't do that, you can also sit on a chair, but it is helpful that either your buttocks are on the floor, because then you are well grounded with the base chakra, with the root chakra, or if you sit on a chair, then you can have your bare feet on the floor. This also gives a good grounding. And I like to sit so that the spine is upright and free; that the spine can align itself. I don't like to meditate leaning, but if it's better for you to lean, then lean.

I'll just tell you what I've found out for myself and you find out for yourself what works for you. And then, at the beginning of the meditation, you take the palm of your right hand, you place it here on top of your head, on the uppermost part of your head, what the Indians call the crown chakra. And this flat handful now makes three clockwise circles, circular movements, and you press very lightly like this. And then you slowly take your hand down again, and the attention, the chitta that we just talked about, has a habit of staying where your hand was.

And that's why it's now so easy to keep our attention on the spot we've just touched with our hand. And we now simply leave our attention at this point up there for the entire half hour that we meditate. And then at the beginning of the meditation, while you are sitting there with your eyes closed, you say a very short mantra. I will say it afterwards and you can repeat it three times. And the is very short, it goes like this: I am a holy soul. I am a pure soul.

You then repeat it three times. As I said, I say it right away, and then you can repeat it. And then you just sit there for half an hour and simply rest your attention here at the top of your head. You don't think anything, you don't need to imagine anything, you don't expect anything. It's also not about achieving a certain state. Nor is it about feeling something specific or not feeling something.

You can simply forget all these things. When thoughts come, let them go, go back to the crown chakra. If your body is bothering you because something is itching, ignore it and always gently return to the crown with your attention. It is perfectly normal that your attention is always diverted from there. It is not a bad sign.

That's what meditation is all about, doing this again and again, returning to it again and again. And that's what we're going to do for half an hour. And at the end of this half hour, I will give you a sign and then you can open your eyes again. Good, then we'll start now. You can close your eyes and we will now place the flat of our hand on the top of our head and make these three circular movements.

And now you can slowly lower your hand again.

And now I recite this mantra three times.

I am a holy soul.

I am a pure soul.

I am a holy soul.

I am a pure soul.

I am a holy soul.

I am a pure soul.

I thank you.

You can open your eyes again now.

I love you.