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Me and my Father are one

About my connection to Master and Guru.

Most people look for connectedness and happiness somewhere out there in the world. Only those who begin to turn inward discover the true connection to their partner, to their Guru, to themselves - and to God.

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I have had a special week: I was alone at home for seven days. For me, time alone is a very special time. The house is quiet, you are thrown back on yourself. It's like a retreat - it's easier than usual to go inside and stay inside.

And the more you turn back inward, the more clearly you feel the connection you have to the people you live with every day; the connection that is always there, but that we often don't feel because our attention is permanently focused outward.

This is one of the reasons why Samarpan Meditation is such a blessing for any relationship. It brings you inside, to where you feel the connection to yourself and to the people who are in your life. "Connection" is only ever within.

Then earlier this week I received a letter asking me what it was like for me when I left my spiritual master Soham almost 3 years ago. I love such questions, because they make me aware of things about myself and my life that I don't even realize anymore, because they have become so normal for me. And so yesterday I made a video about this.

For 20 years I had traveled around alongside Soham. When Corona came and traveling became impossible, Soham decided to give Satsang only from home in the future. I, on the other hand, realized that I was not going to stay there.

Of course, I didn't really leave my master. It was only a change on the outside, albeit a drastic one. But it made me realize once more where the true connection is between me and my Master, between me and my Guru: these connections are also only on the inside.

My Guru Swamiji keeps saying: "my only task is to make your soul your Guru". This is done through Samarpan Meditation. First you surrender to your Guru, then to your Soul. And at some point you also say what Jesus said 2000 years ago: "I and my Father are one".

Complete text for reading along:

Good morning.

This morning, I want to talk about my relationship with my spiritual master Soham; how that started and how it developed and how it is today. And I got inspired to talk about this by a letter. You know, it's like the things which are normal in our life we don't notice anymore, and there's so many things in my life which I don't think about, which I don't notice, because they are so normal for me, so I don't even talk about them. But then I get a question from the outside, from somebody, and then I remember: "ah, yes, this is how it is for me". And I like it. I get aware of something which is normal for me myself. It's like it's a gift for me to be reminded of these things and also to talk about them. And this is especially true for this relationship I feel with my master Sohamji, and also for the relationship I feel to my Guru. It's so normal, it's so... I often don't even notice. It's like the air you breathe. You don't notice the air. You don't think about the air. Only sometimes, when somebody starts talking about air, then you notice: "oh yes, what a blessing, I can breathe". So, I want to read the short letter to you, and then I want to speak about this.

"Hello dear Mikael. You have been traveling with Sohamji for about 20 years, haven't you. I would be very interested to know what happened in you when you knew that you will physically separate from him. Was it very difficult for you? Were you sad? Were you afraid? It has turned your whole life upside down. Or was the soul connection to him so intense that it didn't matter to you whether you were physically close to him or not?"

Yes, I met Soham, my spiritual Master, 23 years ago, and I was living and traveling with him basically all the time, with only very very short interruptions, a week here or a week there, for 20 years, until three years ago, when Corona came and we stopped traveling. And then, about two and a half years ago, I separated from him physically. I'm not living with him anymore. And now I'm living here where I make these videos, at home with my partner and her kids. And this is what the writer of this letter refers to: this time two and a half years ago, when I, after being with my master for 20 years almost every day... that I left him and live alone now without him.

Let me start by talking about how I met him, because in a way, the answer to this question was already visible for me in the beginning, in the very beginning 23 years ago. You must know that I never looked for a Guru, I never looked for a Master. When I met Soham 23 years ago, I didn't meet him because I was searching for him. I didn't look for a Master, I wasn't looking for somebody who could teach me how to live. It happened; I don't know... it feels like pure accident. Of course, these things are not accidents, but it didn't happen because I planned it. It happened by itself.

And 23 years ago, that was a time in my life where I was free. I didn't have a job at that time. I had been living in the United States of America for a long time, and then I was just on my way back to Europe, and I was visiting Munich, the town where I used to live for a long time in the past, and I was free. I had no job, I had no obligation, but I also wasn't looking for anything. I had no idea what I would do, but I didn't have a plan. And I didn't know Soham at that time. I had read his name in a spiritual book I was reading, a book from a lady who described her spiritual experiences, and in the life of this author, Soham played a major role. And I had read this book, and I had read about Soham, and I thought: wow, interesting guy.

But it wasn't that I thought: "oh, I want to meet him". It was more like I wanted to meet the author of the book, that made me curious. But I never met her. So I was in Munich, I was visiting there, and then, by accident, I discovered: Soham is in town. He was traveling around Germany and Austria and Switzerland, giving Satsang. It was a week in this city, a week in the next city, and during that time he was in Munich. So, I read that he's in town, and I thought, ah! I knew his name, I had read about him in this book, he seemed to be a nice guy, so I thought: okay, I go there. And I had no clue what to expect. I didn't know what Satsang was, I didn't know what I had to expect. I didn't even know why I go there. I was just curious.

But from that very day on, I am with Soham. It just happened. I was sitting in this first Satsang of his, and I felt so right. I felt: wow... I felt so right inside of myself. I had never experienced something like this before, and I had the feeling: oh, here I stay. Here I want to stay. I wasn't thinking about traveling with Soham. I didn't think about staying with him. I felt: I want to stay in this space. But then, something interesting happened. In this very first Satsang which I experienced, there was a conversation between a lady and Soham, and during this conversation, Soham shared a few things about where he needed help. He needed technical help with his computer and with some technical things, and I thought: wow, this is interesting. These are all the things I'm good at, all the things I love to do. It was like, what Soham did there in that conversation with this lady was giving my job description, that's how it felt to me.

So, I contacted him the next day, and we agreed that I would just stay and help him. And, you know, it happened for me in a totally unspiritual way. It just felt for me: wow, this is fun, I'm available, I'm free, I might as well do this. I didn't have this feeling: oh, wow, I have a chance to stay with this fantastic spiritual Master. Finally, I have a Master. It wasn't like this. I wasn't looking into this direction. It happened practically just because I loved to do computer work. I love to do what I'm good at. It was fun for me. And only later I noticed that it was only possible for me to do this, because I felt this totally natural openness and connection to Soham from the very first moment I met him. But it was so natural and so... I didn't even notice.

When you hear this story, it might sound really strange to you. Here I am, I meet a man I've never met before, and the next day I am with him and stay with him and travel with him and work with him for 20 years. But all I can tell you is that it felt so totally normal. So, I just felt open. I felt this deep connection with him, and I didn't even know, so normal it was. And I tried to tell you that for me, this was all unconscious, unspiritual. I thought I'm just doing something which is fun.

Maybe you know this from your life when you meet another person and suddenly, you just feel at home with this person. You feel connected with this person, you don't even know why. Maybe you don't even notice. Suddenly there's this new person in your life. You just feel you want to spend time with this person. And before you know it, you have a relationship. Before you know it, you might sleep with each other, you might be very intimate and close with each other, and you don't even know how this is possible. And only later you discover how connected you are, how familiar you feel, and this is how it was for me with Soham. There was a connection I didn't know anything about.

So, I traveled with him, I stayed with him, and I don't even know when he became my Master. I just mentioned this example with a relationship. You meet another person and start spending time together, because you just feel attracted to each other, and at some point you notice: I'm in a relationship, I have a partner. But you don't know when it happened. You don't know when it started. All you can do is acknowledge the fact: she or he is my partner. How it happened you don't know. And this is how I experienced it with Soham.

He grew into my Master; I grew into his disciple. But this only could happen because there was this inner openness on my part. I felt this connection. I just felt naturally good around him. We were totally in tune from the very first day. Also this you know from love relationships. You meet a person, and everything is so easy with this person. You feel in total tune. You understand each other without words.

This is how it was for me with my master Soham. And it was so natural, I didn't even think about it. I didn't think: oh wow, what a fantastic connection I have with this person, I need to stay here... No. I only discovered this in retrospect. It just felt good, I stayed, and before I knew it, I was his disciple.

And many people don't really know what that means. They want to know what it practically means: how is it to be with a Master? How is it to be a disciple of a Master, of a Guru? And then, people think it has to do with certain things you do together. Maybe you listen to this person, you learn from him or from her, or you do rituals or God knows what. For me it wasn't like this. I just did what was fun for me, and what this meant was that I spend time with him, but not because I wanted to learn from him spiritually. I just did my job which was total fun for me, this traveling. I loved this traveling. I loved taking care of all the technical stuff. I just loved this life. But this meant that I was close to Soham. And whether I knew it or not, and whether I wanted it or not, I began to pick up things from his being. I began to learn from him, to copy his way of being, to copy his energy, and I didn't even know about it. But this only was possible because there was this openness and this connection I felt to him.

Somebody once said: a connection to a Master is a love affair. And that's it. It's like: you don't know why; you just feel this openness. You just feel this attraction: I want to be here. Just like what you might have already experienced in your life with another human being. You just feel this connection. You don't even know why. Maybe you think this person is crazy or stupid, but you feel this connection, you just want to be with this person. And that's how it was for me. And for me, it didn't have anything to do with what we did spiritually together. In retrospect, my explanation is that there was this love affair. There was this openness. There was this connection I cannot explain to you, from the very first day.

So, this connection was always there. It was even there before I met Soham. There was one incident a few years later, where I had a conversation with Soham, and where I told him how amazed I am about this connection I feel with him, that I feel that it is so easy for me to be with him; that I understand him without words; that I know what he's talking about when he talks in Satsang without... just like this; that I'm just in tune with him; and that I cannot explain how this is possible. At that time, he said: "you know, Mikael", he said: "this is not the first time we are together". He said: "we have been together many many times".

And this is how it feels to me, and this is what you know from love relationships maybe. You have the feeling: how is this possible? I know this person! It's like: I know this person inside out. You don't know anything about this person. Maybe you don't even know his or her name. But it is like: wow, I know him, I know her. And that's how it was with Soham and me. I'm very unesoteric. I'm not into past lives, I don't know much about this. But when he said this, I knew: yes, this must be true. This is how it feels.

So, for me, this whole relationship with my Master was this inner relationship, this inner connection, from the very first day. I didn't care about the outside. I didn't care whether we can talk with each other a lot, or whether we do things together, or whether I can be close to him physically every day or not. And for me, this was normal. But then I noticed that for most people around me, it was very different. I noticed how they wanted to be as close to him as possible physically; what I mean with this is that they can talk to him; that they can visit him; that he looks at them; that he talks to them; that he answers their letters. For most people, I experienced, this outside connection to the Master was tremendously important. And only when I noticed this, did I realize that for me, it is different. I didn't care. I didn't care whether I can see him or not. I was just around. I was just working for him. I was... It was like I was having him inside from the very first day.

And only when I began to experience the other people, did I notice that for them, obviously for most of them, it was very different than for me. They got tremendously sad or upset when they had the feeling that he didn't look at them, or when they couldn't be in his Satsang, when they had to go away into their lives. And paradoxically, although I was able to be with him all the time every day... I saw him every day I worked for him, every day I was in his Satsangs... I didn't care. I felt him inside. In his Satsangs, I hardly listened to what he said. I had work to do. It was my job to take care of the technique, of the sound and God knows what, so I was busy. But I was just around him, that was enough for me.

And maybe, part of this is also that I'm a man; that I'm experiencing most things in a quiet way inside. There are other people who really love what's happening on the outside, it's really important for them. I never was so much that kind of guy. So, that's how it started. That's how it was for me from the beginning.

And then, when Corona came, three years ago, we stopped traveling. Traveling was not possible anymore because of the Corona rules. Satsangs were not possible anymore. People were not allowed to gather in groups larger than two or three, what not. And Soham had to stop traveling, he returned home, and I returned to his place with him, and we started to do Satsang there. It was transmitted online over the internet, and people could participate from their homes, and that worked very well.

So, the whole situation changed. Instead of traveling, we were suddenly at his home, and preparing for an indefinite time to be there, and to do Satsang from there. I started working with Soham on an interim Satsang room. We started turning an old shop, an old werkstatt, we turned an old shop into a preliminary Satsang room. We built a floor, and we made everything nice, and we worked together for a long time, it was great fun. So, I helped him set up everything needed there. In a way, I was closer to him than ever before. And yet, very very quickly, after this change happened, very quickly after we stopped traveling and we were at his home, I noticed: I will not stay here.

And I was totally confused. I didn't know what was happening. I felt guilty. It was like, in all these years before I had always the feeling: I will travel and be with Soham, my Master, for the rest of my life. This is how it felt. And in a way it is still so. But I was confused. I felt wrong. I felt this very clear energy in me to move away, to leave that place and to do something else. And I felt like a bad disciple. I felt: if I'm a good disciple, if I'm a good human being, I would want to stay here. I mean, many people dream of being with the Master all the time, and I had this, and I felt: wow, I will not stay here. So, I felt wrong. I felt like I let him down. But I didn't do anything. I didn't change anything. I was just staying there. I did my job. I supported Satsang. I built the preliminary room together with Soham. And I felt during this whole time: nah, I don't think I will stay here, something will change.

And then, about half a year later, I left. I had spent quite some time preparing other people to do my job there, so when I'm gone, it wouldn't be a problem for Satsang, and that worked out very well. And then, about six months, seven months later, I left. And then something interesting happened.

Only after I had left did I realize how deep I'm connected with Sohamji. I spoke a lot about how it started, so you know that I had this deep inner connection from the very first moment, but when you live with somebody for such a long time, you don't notice this anymore after some time. I could have noticed because I wasn't really sad about leaving. I didn't have the feeling: oh my God, I will lose my Master when I leave. I didn't have this feeling. But at the same time, I wasn't aware of this very strong inner bond, this inner connection. But after I had left and returned to this place where I am now, I was surprised. In a way, I felt not only still connected with him, I felt even more connected with him. It was like I could feel the connection which was there much stronger, much clearer, once I wasn't there with him anymore.

Maybe you know this too from your life. When you are in a relationship and you love somebody, in the beginning it's amazing. In the beginning you feel this magic connection you have to this person. You feel your openness, and you're willing for anything. And then, the relationship goes on month by month, year after year, and the connection is still there, and the willingness is still there, but you don't notice it anymore because everyday life is so much in your face, your whole perception is turned toward the outside things, all the things happening on the outside, that you don't feel this... you don't feel the basis of the relationship. You still have this connection, but you don't notice it anymore.

But then, maybe your partner goes away for one or two weeks to visit friends or family or vacation, or you go away for a business trip or whatnot, or maybe you separate, and then, when your everyday life, your daily routine is not there anymore, when you are alone, then suddenly you'll notice: wow, I have such a connection with this person. How is this possible! Amazing! I love him so much; I love her so much. Then you feel it again, because the mundane things, the practical things don't overshadow the subtle things which are always there, but you don't feel them anymore, usually. And that's how it was for me. Suddenly I noticed: wow, I am so connected. I just love him. And this only gets more. For me, it got more, it got deeper year by year.

And when I met my Indian Guru Swamiji, five and a half years ago, I experienced it... the way I could experience this meeting was thanks to what I had had experienced with Soham in these 17 years before that meeting. When I met Swamiji, I didn't meet him in person. It was that one day, Soham was sharing with me. Soham had a conversation with me. And in that conversation, he talked to me about Swamiji. He had just had his first contact with Swamiji. He was approached by one of his people here in Germany. He hadn't met Swamiji in person, but he got introduced to his books. Somebody visited Sohamji and talked about Swamiji and explained who that is, and brought Soham the autobiography and invited Soham to meet Swamiji the next year in India. And Soham just shared with me about this, he told me about this.

And during this conversation, it was as if I meet this Guru, this Swamiji, inside. It was a much; purely inside experience for me at that time, so strong, so clear, I was really blown away. I have never had such a clear amazing strong inner experience like this ever before in my life. And it was purely inner. I met this Guru on my inside, and I could experience this because I had this inner connection with my master Soham for so many years before.

And this Indian Guru Swamiji, he explained a lot about the things I had experienced with Soham. He talked about how it is when you meet a Guru. He says: the real connection between a disciple and a Guru is the inside relationship. He turns you inwards, towards yourself, and through yourself you feel the Guru, you meet the Guru. In reality, it has nothing to do with a person on the outside, but since we are human beings, we focus on the outside, and we focus on the Master or the Guru on the outside. We want to be with him physically, we want to be in his vicinity, we want to see him, we want to listen to him, you want to be where he is or she is. And this in our human perception is so dominant that usually, we overlook or we don't even notice that the actual connection is on the inside. And Swamiji goes even a step further. He says: only when the Guru leaves his body, only when the Guru dies, only when he's not in your worldly life anymore, only then will you notice the real relationship. And you know this from your own life.

I want to come back to this example of a love relationship. You know this. Maybe you were aware of this amazing connection in the beginning, but then it fades away because everyday life takes over, takes over your perception, your consciousness. You are totally... in the beginning it's a total inside experience. It's like: wow... but then you focus more and more onto the outside, and the outside things become more and more important: how your partner looks, what he or she says or what not, whether the sex is good or not, whether... all the outside things become more and more important. And to the degree that this happens, difficulties happen, because you don't feel the inside connection anymore, and that inside connection is the only connection.

Maybe you have contact with people where you don't have an inside connection with, and this is a totally different story. Only this inside connection turns a meeting with another human being into something magical. It's the inside connection we have. But, as Swamiji explains, usually we overlook it because the outside is so dominant in our perception. We are so used to focus on all the outside things, and I was so lucky that I had already lived with this inside connection with my master Soham for such a long time, that I was totally open to this inside connection with Swamiji.

And then I met Swamiji also physically. Once he came to Germany, and I had the great fortune to participate in two of his retreats here in Germany where I spent a week with him, or... I think it was a week, in this vicinity. And I was curious: I had this totally deep natural connection with him, although I never had met him personally, and I was curious: will I feel closer to him when I meet him physically? And that was not the case. I experienced myself what he explains. He says: it's like the body of the Guru is a hindrance for our connection to the Guru. I could experience this. In these retreats, I was with him in one room, my eyes were looking at him, my ears were listening to him, and I didn't feel as close.

When I close my eyes, when I don't hear anything, when my entire attention turns inwards, that's where the connection is. But when he, my beloved Guru, the one I much; surrender to, when he's right in front of me, my perception is... my focus is on the outside, and then he's far away. It's totally interesting. And I'm glad that Swamiji explains this to me so clearly, because sometimes I felt a little bit wrong, a little bit guilty about this. You know, it's just like with Soham. I shared with you earlier in this video that I noticed, that most people around me wanted to be as close as possible to Soham, talk to him as often as possible and so on, and for me all this didn't matter. And sometimes I felt wrong about it, but then I discovered: my connection is on the inside. And with Swamiji, it is the same.

Many people... I noticed they wanted to travel to India, they wanted to meet him, they wanted to spend time with him, and I checked inside, and I didn't want this. I felt no energy to go there. Although I felt so connected to him, I felt so surrendered to this Guru, I had no urge to go anywhere to be closer to him on the outside. And there were times where I felt wrong about this, where I thought: maybe I'm not a good person, maybe something is wrong with me, maybe I have a block somewhere, maybe I'm not able to be close to somebody... but today I know: this is all not true. From the very first moment, when I felt this connection to him on the inside, on that day when someone talked to me for the first time about Swamiji, from that moment on I felt this connection. And it's just there. I don't have to go anywhere else to deepen that.

And also there... I shared with you earlier in the video... I felt as if I have known this Master, this being Soham, since forever, and he said: yes, we have been together many many lives. And with Swamiji, it was the same. On that very first day, where I felt for the first time this amazing connection, this amazing energy, what I felt was like: "oh wow, I was waiting for this". It was like this is a reunion. I had this clear feeling: I was waiting for this for such a long time. In fact, I had the feeling: "I've been waiting for this so many lives". And it's amazing that I thought this because, as I said, I'm totally unesoteric, I don't know much about past lives and I don't care about it, but I felt this. I had the feeling: since lives and lives and lives I'm sitting here, waiting for this to come back to me, and now it happened.

And Swamiji talks about this too. He says: we have this inner connection. We have met before. Many many lives before I met this Guru, and he shared it like this, he says: in his past lives, he met many other souls and he promised these souls: when I find the way to Liberation, when I find the way to God, I will tell you, I will come to you, I will share the secret with you. And now it's time. He found it; he found the way. And now he comes to me. And that's how it felt to me. I really, inside, experienced this like: "oh, I was actually waiting for this".

Of course, I didn't know anything about this. I didn't know that I was waiting. Only when it happened, only when it came to me, only then did I feel this, and it was an inside meeting, an inside experience.

Maybe you know this too from your worldly relationships, in your partnership. Maybe you enjoy tremendously what you guys are doing together, or maybe you have difficulty, but either way, there are moments where you know: this beauty I see in the other person, this connection I feel with the other person, has nothing to do with good sex or nice dinners together or a great vacation, it's something I can't explain, it's something on the inside. And when you meet for the first time, there you can feel it the best. And only people who already learned to focus on their inside all the time, when you learn this, then you can feel this connection also in your daily life much much better. And Swamiji says: this is the only job of a Guru. He says: the Guru is not really on the outside, the Guru in reality is only inside.

For other people, it looks really strange, this relationship between a Guru and a disciple. For normal people who don't experience this themselves, it's like: what's going on there? This is really weird. What is this person doing there, surrendering to this strange guy? What's going on? This is dangerous. This is wrong. But when you don't experience it yourself, you have no clue what's actually going on. The Guru says... Swamiji says: my only job is to introduce you to the Guru inside. It's like: by meeting the Master, by meeting the Guru, you suddenly feel something inside you, and that's in reality the only thing you feel, that's the only thing happening. It's all inside you.

And in the beginning, you're totally focused on the outside. You worship the Guru on the outside, you do rituals or you worship the Master and you serve the Master on the outside, but as time goes by, the Guru pushes you back to yourself all the time, the Master pushes you back onto yourself all the time, and slowly slowly, you come closer and closer to yourself. And at some point, also you notice: "oh, wow, this connection I have with my Master, this connection I have with my Guru, is on the inside, that's where it is!" And then you just go on coming closer and closer to yourself, you go more and more into your inside, and to the degree you turn more inward, to that degree this connection to the Guru strengthens and becomes deeper and stronger. And at some point, you notice: it's not about to Guru on the outside at all, it has always only been about this inside.

There's this saying from Jesus which has been very much misunderstood. He said: "me and my Father are one". And that's what he was talking about. He said: God, the Father, is not something on the outside. It's not something you worship and you're worried about or scared about or you love on the outside. It's something in you, something which is part of you. And Jesus said: "put God first". That means: turn inwards. Your inside is the important direction, not the outward direction. And he said: the more you turn inwards, the more you discover this connection which is the connection to God.

And when you are far enough on that path, you discover: "wow, there is no separation, there is no me, there is no God, there is no place where I end and God begins, it's all one. Me and my Father are one. Me and my Mother are one. Me and God are one." And when you experience this, it doesn't matter whether you leave the Guru on the outside or not, it just doesn't matter. Your connection is on the inside. And of course, we are human beings, we have feelings, these bodies have feelings, and when we separate from a body, we are sad, this is normal. But when you feel this connection inside, when you feel your true being, your true ground... okay, then you feel sad, but it's not a drama, you feel sad, and you go your way, because you have your Master inside, you have your Guru inside, always, wherever... you can't be separate from this, it's you.

So, to come back to the question of this lady... Yes, I felt... I mostly felt wrong when I followed this inner impulse to leave my Master physically and to go my own way. I felt guilty. I somewhere inside I still thought: a good disciple would want to be close. But then, once I was alone, once this distraction of the outside life together with my Master wasn't there anymore, then I felt this inside connection even stronger, stronger than ever before. And it is like this today, and it grows even more, it grows deeper and stronger. And I didn't know why I leave him. I had no clue. All I had is this feeling: "I will not stay here, I will go".

And I want to briefly talk about how I deal with these situations where you really don't know what you do; where you don't know what's right, what's wrong. I don't know why this lady asks me this question. Maybe she is herself in a situation where she feels an impulse like this and doesn't know what to do. I don't know, I'm just guessing. When I'm in a situation like this, I do nothing. I just continue with what I'm doing anyway, I don't change the situation. This is what I mean with "I don't do anything". It's not that I sit in the corner and don't move, no. I just continue as if nothing is happening, I just continue with my life, and continue doing what I did before.

So, I just stayed where I was, I stayed with Soham, I did my job, and I built the Satsang room with him, I educated other people so they could take over my job if I would really leave, and then I just wait. I just wait. As long as I don't know what to do, as long as there's doubt, as long as there's insecurity, I just wait.

In a way, we human beings have no possibility to distinguish between what is God talking to me, what is life talking to me, and what is my mind, what is my ego talking to me, what are my thoughts. We have no way to really distinguish this. And my strategy to deal with this is: just wait. Soham always said to me: "things become clear by themselves". And that's true. So, I just waited. I just continued month after month after month, I stayed there. I stayed there with this clear feeling: I will leave, but I didn't leave, it wasn't time. Sometimes I felt guilty, sometimes I felt wrong, sometimes I felt like a bad disciple. But I just waited and continued. And then, at some point, it became clear: yes, really, I will leave. Yes, I will leave. It just takes time, and then clarity comes, and then you know without any doubt: yes, this is the way. And then it still might be painful, it still might be sad, or maybe it's frightening, but you know: yes, that's the way.

And yes, I was a little bit frightened, because I didn't know what to do after that. I didn't have any plans for my life. It wasn't that I had a plan what to do next, and that's why I wanted to leave. No, nothing like this. The only thing I could have ever imagined was staying with Soham at his side for the rest of my life. And then, I wanted to leave, and I didn't even know why. I didn't even know what this should be good for. But then, at some point, I left. I moved to my partner and her kids. That's where I am living now, and I just went there and I started working on computer things for other people, making a little bit of money here and there. But I didn't have any... I didn't have any grand plan or a longing: I want to do this, and I need to leave so I can follow my life path... nothing like this.

So, I left him, I came here, basically without any clue what to do, and four weeks later, out of the blue, I had this inclination: I will do videos about my life, about my life with Soham, about my life with Swamiji, about the Meditation, about my life. And I thought I'm crazy. Why should I do videos? Who should want to listen to this? But it was clear: I will do this. And that was the same again. It was the same again: I didn't know what to do. I thought I'm stupid. I'm the last person in the world who should do videos. I'm a boring guy, and you know that this is true... but I still had this energy.

And I did the same thing: I just waited. Sometimes I add the energy to start preparing for this, I started turning this little office room into a nice studio with good light, with good sound. But then I waited again, for months and months, and nothing happened. And then I bought a camera, and then I made some test videos, but then nothing happened, and I waited. And basically, I waited for two and a half years after that. And then there was a point where it actually became clear: now it starts.

Yes, just time. Clarity comes with time. This is my way of dealing with these things. And since I left the vicinity of my master Soham... I said earlier: since then, I'm feeling the connection with him even closer. And since then, I'm feeling the connection to Swamiji even closer. In a way I can say: since I'm alone, I'm much closer to myself than I was beforehand. I was already very close to myself before. It is as if life forced me to leave my Master so I can discover: "oh wow, here is the connection, in my aloneness, in my inside". Here I experience: "me and my Father are one". There's no separation between me and Sohamji, and there's no separation between me and Swamiji. And it almost feels heretic to say this, but this is how it is.

This is what Jesus said. Jesus said: you will find out: "you and your Father are one".

This is a good place to stop. You will find out. Do the meditation. The closer you come to yourself, the closer you come to yourself, the more you turn inwards, the more you discover your soul, and that's where the meditation helps you with... the more you will discover this. If you have a Master, if you have a Guru, you will discover: "wow, they are on the inside! God is on the inside".

And then, even further down the road, you just know, there's no separation: "me and my Father are one". This is the truth for everybody.

Enough for today.

Thank you for listening.

I love you.