Sex – the empty Promise
Discover where true fulfillment awaits.
Everybody believes sex to be important – for happiness, relationship, health and spiritual progress. None of this is true: in reality, sex gives you nothing. Once you discover this, the path to true fulfillment opens up.
There is something that always amazes me: the more spiritual people become, the more important sex is to some of them. Not just to have fun, of course: sex is downright glorified and considered important, for relationship, for health, and especially for spiritual development.
At the same time, people are suffering more than ever because they believe that something is wrong with their sex life. And all of this is amazing, because the spiritual path is really an inward path; a path where you discover that none of the things we used to take so seriously in this world matter.
In this video, I talk about why sex in particular makes it so difficult for us to discover this truth: that it gives us nothing that is worthwhile or important. For us humans, sex is the best, the most sophisticated illusion that this existence has to offer. I talk about how I became free of it.
And I'm disclosing the shortcut that enables everyone today to see through this mirage and find true fulfillment. And the paradox is: when we find it and sex is unimportant again, it can also bring joy again.
Complete text for reading along:
I have an early morning today, and I love this when that happens. I woke up at 4 o'clock and I meditated, and I could start with the videos really early. And I love this because when I wake up so early, the energy is even more quiet. I feel it in the meditation and I also feel it in the videos. But I can't do this. I have to let my body sleep as long as he wants, and usually, I wake up between 5 and 5:30, but occasionally, something wakes me up earlier, like this morning, and then I really enjoy it.
This morning I want to talk about sexuality, and this is a really exciting topic. And it's so exciting because there's no other area in human life where we have so many ideas, dreams, misconceptions, misunderstandings and so much unconsciousness and blindness as in this area. In no other area of life, we deceive ourselves so perfectly like in sexuality. And that's why it seems so complicated and so difficult at times.
I received a letter about the subject, and I want to start with reading out this letter, and then I will see where this video will take me, because I don't know what I will say. I don't know it any more than you do. So, here's a woman writing to me: "Today I'm writing to you about sexuality. I turned 56 and I've been in the menopause for a few years now. Since then, I've lost interest in sex. I used to live my lust passionately, but now it's just gone. My partner is 64, and he would like me to show more interest in sex from time to time. We like to cuddle, we cuddle together, but the pure desire for sex is not there. I've already spoken to my gynecologist... I always stumble over this word.... gynecologist...and he said it's normal at my age, because the body can no longer have children, and that's why the libido is no longer like it used to be. He prescribed me hormones and said I could try that. I've been taking them for 6 months now, but nothing is happening. He thinks it's different for men. My partner is not a passionate man, but he enjoys it when he is aroused. So, I want to ask: how is it with you and your wife? You are also around 60. Or maybe you can tell me what it's like for other women of my age. Or maybe you have a tip on how I should deal with this."
I like this letter because it really shows perfectly so many aspects of this issue with sex. Sex seems to be such a contradictory subject. Some people have sex and they love it, and they think this is the best thing. Other people don't have sex and they don't want it. Some people have no sex, but they think they should have sex, because the partner wants sex. Other people don't have sex, but they want sex, but the partner doesn't want. So, it's really crazy. And for some people sex is so great, and for other people it's a nightmare. So, it's all these contradictions, all these different directions. Some people think they should have good sex, because they believe this will make them happy, this will make them fulfilled. Other people think they shouldn't have sex, they shouldn't want sex, but they do; but they think they shouldn't because they want to be spiritual and enlightened and pure, whatever. So, nobody knows how it really is. It's all totally in a knot. And that's why I like this letter.
It's like, there's this woman, and her body doesn't feel like it anymore. And there's this man, and he likes it. What to do. My first advice is look how it is for you. If you are like this woman who is writing here, be honest with yourself: "Okay, my body doesn't like sex anymore. She just doesn't want it." And you know, there's no problem with this at all. There is no such a thing like sexual problems. Sex is not a problem. There's no problem in sex. The problems arise elsewhere. If you don't want sex, you don't want sex. Finished. There's nothing else to consider. The problem only arises because there's another person who wants sex and who thinks he should have sex with you, but you don't want to. But you are his partner, so he thinks you should feel more often like having sex, and that's the problem. I always like to look at what's the real issue here; what's the real challenge.
So, the issue is not in sex. The issue is not that it's a problem that you don't want anymore. That's just the fact. You close your eyes... you are alone, you close your eyes and you just check out: "How do I feel? Do I feel like sex? No, I don't feel like sex. Okay." That's all you need to know. Now there's this man. He wants you to have lust for sex, but now you know how it is, and all you can tell him is: "Hey love, I love you, I know you like it, but I don't feel like it. I would love to have lust, but I don't feel lust. What can I do? It's just the way it is." So, you don't have a problem. He has a problem, and it's his problem. Just leave the problem where it is. You went through menopause. For you, the problem is over.
Now you have a different problem, but your new problem has nothing to do with sex. Your problem has to do with partnership. Your problem has to do with that there is a partner who wants something which is not here, and that's his problem. Now, I say this so easily, and I say this so clearly, just to state the facts, but I know from my own experience that it can be very challenging to deal with this when you have a partner.
I experienced it myself. I'm a man, but I remember... I had one experience where... this is a long time ago, and my girlfriend, my partner, she felt lustful, she wanted sex with me. And we had good sex often, there was no problem. But that night I didn't feel like it, but she indicated to me very clearly that she wants, and I said "No, I don't feel like it right now." And it was really difficult. It pushed all of her buttons. She felt rejected, unloved. She took it totally personal. And of course I felt wrong, but what could I do?
So, you don't have any problem with sexuality. Your issue is... it's not even your issue, it's your partner's issue. He has to deal with the fact that he feels aroused... or he isn't even aroused, but he would like to feel aroused and he wants you to help him with this. Now it becomes your issue again, because now you're worried: "What will this guy do if I don't fulfill his wishes? Will he go away? Will he be angry with me? Will he have an affair?" What can you do?
Now, you could have sex with him to avoid all these problems, and that's what we usually do. We are not true to ourselves, we do what is expected of us so we get something else, some kind of illusionary security in relationship or something like this, or we just avoid a challenge we don't want to face. That's what we usually do, but of course it doesn't lead to anything good.
I experienced this once in my own life too. Although I'm a man... men also experience all kind of things, not only women... I was in this partnership, and my girlfriend wanted to have sex. She was totally hot, and I didn't feel like it. But she didn't notice. She couldn't notice. She was so in her wanting, and I was unable to be true to myself. So, we had sex. And there was nothing wrong with the sex. It wasn't bad. But the fact that I was not true to myself, that I did something which I didn't actually want, that hurt; that was really bad. I felt like raped, but of course it wasn't a rape. No. I agreed. I was unable to be true to myself. I was too scared to say "no".
And that's just how it is, because it's difficult to say "no". It's difficult to be true to oneself. But that's my recommendation: be true to yourself. And that puts the problem where it is: then, maybe, you have a fight; maybe he's upset; maybe he's disappointed or frustrated. But be true to yourself, be courageous. That's my advice.
It's very difficult to do this, because all of our lives we learned something else. Even that gyneco... even that doctor of that lady, his advice is: "Well, you could try to change yourself so it works again. Here, take hormones." That's how we usually deal with these things. We don't want to look at how things really are and then just deal with it. We want them to be the way we think they should be. We try to be the way we think we should be. And as a woman, this can be very painful if you do this. As a man of course too... as I told you. So, ignore what your doctor says. Don't take these hormones. Be true to yourself. That's very important when it comes to sex.
I want to talk a little bit about why sex is so difficult; why it is such a mine field for many people. Obviously, sex itself is not difficult. It happens almost by itself. You can learn a few things about it, and you can learn a few things which makes it more pleasurable, but basically, there is no big difficulty in sex for most people. And yet, it seems to be such a complicated issue where you really have to be careful and watch out, and the reason for this is that we look in sex for things which are not there.
And you notice it, you begin to notice it very clearly when you don't play along anymore; when you begin to disappoint people; when you notice: "Wow, if I'm true to myself right now, I will have to say 'no'", and then you will begin to experience what is on top of sex: the other person feels disappoint. He has expectations, or she if it's a woman. If you say "no", the other person feels unloved, rejected, not good enough, or he or she is simply angry because you don't play along. But this whole trouble starts because deep down, without really knowing, we think sex will give us something which we need. And usually, this is love, intimacy. We feel lonely, but in sex, we feel deeply connected.
There's a whole nebula of expectations and needs which have nothing to do with sex, but in sex we look for them, because sex gives us, for a very short time, the illusion that we get it. You can have a terrible relationship; you don't understand each other at all; there's no closeness, no real intimacy; but when you have sex, maybe you experience that for a very brief moment. Maybe. And nobody notices this normally, as long as both play along. Usually, in the first few weeks, months or years in a relationship, both are hot and they have sex and there's no problem. But as soon as one of the two doesn't feel like it for even one night, it gets very interesting. Then you notice what's really in there: these expectations, these needs, these perceived needs.
I want to talk a little bit about my life, how I discovered the truth about sex, and I want to tell you about it. I used to be a totally normal guy. I was married a few times. I had relationships. And in the first part of my life, until I came to my spiritual master Soham 23 years ago... when I was 37... yes, with 37 I came to him... sex was a kind of an interesting subject for me. On the one hand, I found it totally exciting. I enjoyed it. I didn't have the feeling I need it. I wasn't running around looking for sex, but I really enjoyed it. But at the same time, I wasn't relaxed with it. It was like I was not at ease. I wasn't at ease with myself and with this kind of intimacy with a woman. I didn't know this at that time. I only know this now, in retrospect. But I wasn't relaxed with it at all.
It was like I was not close to myself and deeply resting in myself while I had sex. I was always far away from myself when I was younger. I couldn't feel myself. I didn't know anything about myself. And that's why sex was a very fragile, nervous kind of scary thing for me. I just noticed later how I wasn't at ease with myself when it happened. And I experienced all the things everybody else experiences, also the things I just talked about, these experiences. I remember nights where I was laying in bed next to my girlfriend. She was already asleep. I was totally hot. She didn't want to, so she fell asleep and I was sitting there with my feelings of arousedness, of lust. I didn't know what to do. I was really cooking. It didn't feel nice.
I was never one of those men who expect their girlfriend or their woman to be a certain way to satisfy them. I'm the other type. It was more like I felt wrong for being the way I am. I knew: "Okay, she doesn't want right now, and of course this is okay. This is her right, so to speak, and I have no right to expect anything else." But I still had a hard time to feel these feelings of lust without having sex. So, I experienced this many times. And as I told you earlier, I experienced the reactions of my partner when I said "no", and I had to deal with my feelings when my partner said "no". But most of these things about sex were totally unconscious for me at that time.
And then, 23 years ago, I came to my spiritual Master Soham, and that's when, for the first time in my life, I began to discover how I really feel. He taught me to find out how I feel in a given moment. Up to that point, I was very used to only think about how I should be. And then, I began to discover myself. I began to feel my feelings, to discover my feelings and feel them, make friends with all of them. And that was a long process. This took many years. This is not something which happens overnight. And it was during these years when I began to discover how it really is for me with sex when sex happens, how nervous I am, how insecure, how inadequate I feel often; how I feel when sex does not happen but my body is ready, this kind of fire and agony. All these things... for the first time in my life, I began to discover, in a conscious way... I began to discover how I really feel with the subject.
And then, even later, began a time where I had learned to be at ease with myself. I had made friends with my feelings. This was about 10 years after I met my spiritual Master. I had made friends with feeling wrong. I was just at peace with how I was, as a human being and as a man. And that was the time in my life where, for the first time, I began to experience sex without this underlaying nervousness and unease. I was in peace with myself, and I was connected with myself. And for the first time, I began to experience sex purely, without this subconscious fear and uneasiness.
Basically, this was the point in my life where I began to experience sex how it truly is for the first time in my life. And this is about 10 years ago. I was 50. And I guess most people never come to this point. And then, I made a few very very interesting discoveries for me. I discovered, now that I experienced sex and I could really feel how it is...
I discovered that on the one hand, it's really nice. It can be nice. If I'm true to myself and if the woman is true to herself, it can be potentially beautiful. And on the other hand, I discovered something very astonishing. I discovered: it doesn't give me anything. It doesn't satisfy. It doesn't fulfill. Of course, it can be a beautiful experience. You feel totally connected with yourself. You feel one with your partner maybe, it can be like this. You can feel one with God, it can be like this. But then, later, a few hours later, a day later, maybe even a few minutes afterwards, you feel like you felt before. So, it's just an experience; a profound experience, a beautiful experience, but it doesn't give you something.
That's what I discovered. And this discovery took many years. I experienced it again and again. In the beginning, I couldn't even believe it. But then I noticed: "Wow. No matter how beautiful, no matter how lovely: in the end it's empty." And when I discovered this, something changed for me with sexuality. That was the point where I began to discover a few very interesting things. I realized... I realized: there is nothing in sex which really gives me something as a human being, and yet, I feel this amazing pull to it. First of all, physically: the body sometimes just feels so ready for it; but also emotionally: it's like... now that I discovered that there's nothing in it actually, I could observe much better how I felt.
And it was like: with sex you perceive this promise: "I will fulfill you." That's what sex says, this idea of sex, this imagination of sex we have in our head. It's like this promise: "I will fulfill you. I will make you happy". And then you follow this, and you have sex. And I discovered: it's an empty promise. It's not there, like a mirage. And I discovered how this happens. I discovered how nature does it. When you look at sex really in a sober way, sex has only one purpose in the world, and that is of reproduction.
Sex is the means that these bodies are able to produce children, so mankind can go on. And nature did an amazing trick to ensure this. There's the female body, and in order to be able to get pregnant and have a child, the female body goes through a monthly cycle. And once a month, when the woman can get pregnant, that's the time where the woman feels most open for sex, usually. Of course, it's different for every human being. I don't want to say that I think that it's the same for everybody, but this is more or less how nature laid it out for us humans.
So, there is the woman. Once a month, this body, this female body can become pregnant. So, this is not often: for one or two days, the woman can get pregnant. And this is just for biological reasons; that's what the body can do to get pregnant. So, for this to function most effectively, it's important that the other part of the game, the man, is ready all the time, and nature ensured that it is like this. Nature made it so the man always feels ready. So, when a woman is around... I'm talking about the animal level right now. I'm just strictly talking about how nature planed it.
So, when a when a woman is around who is ready, nature wants to make sure that then there is a man who is ready. If the man also would be ready only once a month, it wouldn't be very helpful for nature, because then it would be a rare coincidence that we come together at the same time and have a child. So, nature did it this way: nature made sure that the man can always want whenever nature needs it.
And now, nature needs something to bring us together, and this is this promise I told you about. These hormones, the sexual hormones which rule us, they give us this inner feeling of: "Wow, I want this. I want only this, now!" This is nature. This is the force of nature, and no matter how intelligent you are, no matter how sophisticated, no matter how conscious you are: this power is there. And I discovered... after I had discovered that this promise is empty, I could really begin to see this amazing invention of nature in its total beauty, so to speak, now that I was kind of independent of it. It's amazing!
It really feels like this. You're a man, you're ready. You're just ready all the time. And many men feel even guilty for this. They think: "I'm a grown-up man, I should not feel like this." There are some men who always think about sex. And most male bodies feel ready for sex all the time. If there's a woman around who signals: "hey, I'm ready", the man feels hot almost instantly. I'm not talking about that it's like this for every man. I don't want to create this impression. But this is basically how nature in general intended things to be, and it's working pretty well, at least in my case.
So, nature gave the man this constant readiness, and it gave both women and man this amazing urge which is felt like a promise: a promise of ultimate fulfillment. That's how nature pulls us into this. And it's genius! It's great. It's not really a problem. Just like in the beginning, when I was talking to the writer of this letter, I said: the problem is not in the sexuality, the problem is elsewhere.
And this genius invention of nature is not a problem at all, it's just amazing and beautiful. When you look at it in freedom, with consciousness, you can only marvel at it and at this power. When you are a human being who doesn't need anything, who is happy, you see this and you can just smile. But what us humans did is that we started looking for things in sexuality which are not there, I said this in the beginning. We believe this empty promise. And then we look for fulfillment and happiness in sex, and we never find it there, never. And then things get very very sticky, very difficult.
So, when you begin to discover that actually this what I thought I would find there, in sex: it's not there... when you discover: "Wow, this is only a trick of nature! It's not there!"... then you notice two things: you notice: "Okay, I have this longing to get fulfilled. I have this longing I didn't even know." And you discover: "I don't know where I find it." You just discovered: it's not in sex. It's just not there. And then, for the first time in your life, you can ask yourself: "Okay, where do I find it? Where do I find this fulfillment, if not in sex." And I discovered this by really looking at it closely.
My Master, who is a very wise man... his advice always is the same: "be the way you are, be true to yourself, do go where it attracts you to go, do what you feel attracted to do, but do it with a quiet mind. Leave all the imaginations, leave all the dreams aside. Experience it purely again and again, and then you find out." And I did this with sex, and I did this with everything else in life. And then, slowly slowly, you discover: "Okay, I thought: fulfillment is in sex, but it's not there", and you find out: "I thought: fulfillment is in success, but it's not there", or in money, in being rich or in whatever it is, in relationship, in love... All these areas of life you begin to approach quietly, and you look closely: "Okay, yes, it is nice sometimes, sometimes it's terrible, but no matter how it is: it never fulfills really forever."
And that's the only trouble with sexuality: that we look for something in it which is not there. And it's so easy for us to assume that because nature created this beautiful, beautiful empty promise around sex, just to pull us there. That's why it requires so much awareness to look through this whole stunt of nature. So, now what to do? How to find true satisfaction? How to find true fulfillment? That's the question. But I was talking about my life…
So, I was at this point 10 years ago where I had discovered: "Okay. it's not in sex." I still liked sex. I actually enjoyed... At that time, I enjoyed sex in my life more than ever before in my life because this nervousness was gone, and also all these other side effects from my earlier life: I didn't look for satisfaction, for intimacy there anymore. I as close to myself, I was happy. And then, I could really enjoy sex. But at the same time, I realized: "Okay, it doesn't give me anything. It's nice, it's beautiful, it's lovely, but it's empty." And I discovered: "I don't know where I find true satisfaction, lasting satisfaction."
The only things I knew were things which gave me a very short-lived, very temporary feeling of satisfaction or fulfillment, but nothing really lasted; nothing. And of course, I had tried other areas of life too. I had tried relationship many times. I was married three times in this life, and I had many relationships, and every time I sincerely tried to make it work. I sincerely tried to become happy together. And often it was lovely. Often it was beautiful. But the closer I looked, the more I found out: it is beautiful, it is lovely, but that what I really look for, it's not there. And that was the time of my life where I realized: "I don't know where I find true happiness": something which lasts; not a happiness I achieve and then it's gone again, and then I have to start all over every day. That's not happiness, that's craziness.
And that's when Swamiji came into my life. This is this Indian Guru I talk about frequently and who brings the Samarpan Meditation into society. And this is now six years ago that he entered my life. And with him, with Swamiji, came that discovery into my life where I find this what I was always searching for, in all kinds of areas of life. He opened me the path to true fulfillment, to satisfaction, to lasting, true satisfaction inside of myself, independent of anything outside. And this happens through the Samarpan Meditation. I speak about this meditation often. I don't want to go too much into detail here in this video, there are other videos where I talk about it at length. And I want to talk about it here in this video because when Swamiji came into my life, when I began to meditate, I began to discover the satisfaction in me which is eternal, and this is developing and growing more and more.
And now, after a few years, now that this satisfaction in me becomes stronger and wider and more natural, more matter of fact... slowly slowly, this becomes my inner ground. And I'm just satisfied. Now, something really interesting happens. For the first time in my life, I don't care about sex anymore. It's not that this body doesn't want sex anymore. This body can still get very aroused and very crazy. But it's like at the same time, I experience the whole thing, and it's nice, it's lovely, it's beautiful, but actually I don't care. If it happens, yes, it's lovely, fine. But I don't care. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't matter at all. And this I only experience since I discovered that what I was actually looking for in sex and in all kinds of other things in life.
And I experienced this... I talked about this mechanics of nature; how nature did it: when a woman is ready, when a woman calls you as a man, you're ready, and I still experience this. It can be very strong. But at the same time, I'm just satisfied. And this actual satisfaction which is here, that makes me independent of this. The body still acts up from time to time, but more and more, it has no power over me anymore at all, because that only thing, that one thing which I actually was looking for, that is here now. So, I can say: in my life, this was the only cure of this "disease" sexuality. It's not a disease, of course, it's a totally natural thing, it just doesn't make you happy. And the writer of the letter, she asks: "how is it with you and your wife?" These days it's like this: when my wife feels like it, and she indicates this, then this body is still ready, and it's lovely, but other than that, it's just as if this area of life doesn't exist in my life anymore. And I would have never thought that this is possible.
And the interesting thing for me is: I was at this point in my life where I knew: I don't find this in sex. I knew it. I had beautiful sex. I discovered everything I could discover in this area. And yet I knew: "Okay, it doesn't give me anything, it's empty for me. There's nothing." And yet, it didn't go away. This knowing is helpful, but it doesn't help. It's helpful in a way because it can point you in the right direction, because once you know: "Okay, what I'm looking for is not there, it's not where I was searching", then you can turn around and see: "Okay, where can I find it?" That's why it's helpful. But this knowing that sex is empty actually doesn't make this attraction and this very strong power go away. It still had effects on me. It doesn't help to say: "Okay, I know this is nonsense, this doesn't does give me anything, so I don't do it anymore." You cannot suppress this power. It's not possible. You can try for a few years, but it will come back to you. Suppression is not a good idea, it doesn't work. Especially the Christians tried this, and it doesn't work.
The only thing which really liberated me from this "nightmare of sexuality"... I call it this way, because for men it's really like this that you're constantly... basically you're constantly ready, you're constantly getting this feeling: "That's where my happiness is!" You feel you need to be ready all the time, and if you can have sex, you just want it. And of course, most men don't live this. Most men don't act this out all the time. I'm not saying that I was running around having sex all the time. I'm talking about how it feels deep down. I just don't want to create any misunderstanding... but deep down, most men feel like this. And that's not nice. This is like a nightmare. Sex can be so beautiful, but it's always connected with this for most men, and for many women too. And the only thing which really freed me of this is the discovery: "Where do I find this satisfaction truly?" With this, now the whole issue vanishes. It just evaporates.
So, in the beginning I said: "Be true to yourself", and that's very important in every area of life, but especially in sex. Be true to yourself. Be where you are and discover how it truly is for you right now. If you feel sex is important, then go for it! Find out. Do it. Explore it. But do it as consciously as you can. Find out how it really is for you in every moment. Be the way you are. Be true to yourself, and then you will find out all the things you need to find out. It doesn't help to hear these things. You have to find out for yourself, and that's what I want to encourage you to. It's like there's no shortcut, you have to find it out yourself.
But actually, in this case, there is a shortcut. And the shortcut is this meditation. There is something very interesting. I'm talking so much about this subject at length because the secret is to discover that what you really are looking for in life. Most people don't even know this. And while you are on that path, you begin to discover what you're really looking for, and then you can start finding it. But you don't find it in the world. And what you can do now, and that's the shortcut I want to talk about: when you begin meditating right now, no matter where you are on that path...
Maybe you feel totally addicted to sex; maybe you totally look for happiness and love and fulfillment in sex and you can't give this up, of course not, that's natural, and you don't want to give it up, and this is also natural. But when you start meditating at the same time, you will begin to discover this source of true satisfaction. You will discover true fulfillment in yourself in a relatively short period of time. So, you don't have to wait until you discovered all these things before you look for satisfaction where it truly is. You can start doing this right now. So, my advice is: be the way you are, be true to yourself, explore whatever you need to explore, follow your attractions, and meditate. And this meditation will help you to discover the source of true satisfaction, now. And with this, all the other things will be taken care of in a very short time.
And then, you can enjoy sex if it happens in your life, but it's free of this burden of all this meaning, of this importance. It's not important for you anymore, because the one thing which is important for you, you already found. And then you can enjoy it. Then you can enjoy work without the idea that it should make you happy, because you're already happy. You can enjoy partnership without this pressure of "the partnership should make me happy or fulfill me", because you are already fulfilled. And then, partnership can be lovely. And that's my advice: be the way you are, and meditate.
And of course, this is not my advice. I'm just a parrot. I'm just repeating something I heard from Swamiji. And he's a genius. He once was talking to alcoholics. I said earlier: sex is like a drug, like an addiction. And Swamiji was talking to alcoholics, to severe alcoholics, and he told them the same thing. He said: "Don't try to stop drinking, that doesn't work. If you drink one bottle of booze today, I don't care, drink two bottles tomorrow, but meditate." And that's the secret. That's the shortcut. If you're only drinking, at some point in your life, if you survive, you will discover: "Okay, it's not in the drinking." You will suffer so much... at some point, you will be through with it, but you can speed the whole thing up. Start meditating, and then, you directly discover that what you actually here for to discover.
And Swamiji says the same thing about sex. He says: "It does not work to suppress sex." It just doesn't work. So many "gurus" tried that, so many ascetics tried that, and didn't work for them. So, be the way you are. Be where you are. Don't try to be cooler than you are, especially when you're a man. It can feel very uncool to be a man when it comes to sexual things. Be the way you are. Feel attracted. Feel... as a man, it's so easy to feel like a puppet. You're just being ruled by these sexual feelings. It's like: "Wait a moment, I'm an adult man, I should have control over this", but you find out: you don't have any control over this.
Of course, it doesn't mean that you have to act it out. I'm not talking about this. I'm talking about how it feels inside of you. And you can't control this. You can't make yourself free of this by your will power. But when you start to meditate now, you will discover that what you're actually looking for without even knowing, and then, this whole thing will lose the weight, it will lose the importance. It will just evaporate in front of your eyes, slowly, slowly. That's my experience. That's why I talked at length about my own experience in this life.
And it's very rare that somebody says things like I'm saying today. We live in a time where these ideas and dreams about sexuality are even stronger than ever. We believe: sexuality is import for partnership, and now, these days, we also believe that sexuality, sex, is a great vehicle and very important for spiritual development. There're all kinds of myths around this out there. And there are so many people who support this and to tell great stories about this. And it's all not true. But most people don't know this. So, you have to find out yourself, and meditate.
I just remember... I had a beautiful interview with Devasetu from Jetzt-TV. He came here to my place in August, and he interviewed me. And in this interview, we also talked for quite a while about sexuality. If you're interested in this subject, maybe you want to look at this interview. And he asked me during this interview: "Is sex important as a means of connection between the partners? Is sex providing an important bond between partners?" And I said: "Well, yes. Sex is a very important bond between partners, as long as you don't discover the true bond, the true connection."
In reality, sex is not important for partnership at all. But as long as you don't know yourself... as long as you're not close to yourself, you can't be close to your partner. It just doesn't work. And when you don't know about this true connection, then you look for all kinds of substitutes out there, and sex is a great substitute. It gives you the illusion of bonding, the illusion of intimacy for a very short time. But it has nothing to do with true connection, that happens through the inside. And we have these ideas about sex that it's so helpful and so important in partnership and in spirituality, but it's not true.
It's only a substitute. Once you discover the real way, then you discover this. So, start at the end: be where you are, be true to yourself, don't try to be different, that's not needed and that's not fun, but at the same time, start at the end: begin to meditate, and begin to discover your true fulfillment, your true happiness, the Heaven which is waiting inside of you, now. You can begin to discover this now, and all these other issues will dissolve and will disappear.
I want to briefly touch the subject of tantra. I already talked way too much, but this is such an interesting subject. I just mentioned: mankind always put sexuality on a very high pedestal, as if it's very important, truly fulfilling, and that's not true. And now we even have this with spiritual development. We think: "Sex can really help in my spirituality." And then, people go to tantra seminars where they want to learn true connectedness with other human beings through sex, through sexual encounters. And they believe this is somehow important for them. I know several people who went through these experiences. And that's the same misconception: we believe sex is important, and now we discovered a new idea why sex is even more important. And it's not true. It's all not true.
Tantra is the discovery of God, the discovery of who you really are. And when you discover who you really are, when you're deeply rooted in yourself, you will discover something amazing: the more you are connected to yourself and to the God inside of you, the more you are connected to other people. And then, relationship becomes something totally different for you. You're connected from the inside to this other human being you're living with. Everything becomes uncomplicated. Everything becomes easy, and so does sex.
It's not that sex is important for you to discover yourself. It's the other way around. Discover yourself, and then you will discover a connection to other people, the true connection. And then, when you then have a sexual encounter, it's a totally different thing. It's unimportant, it's lovely, but you are connected in yourself. Tantra has nothing to do with sex, that's a Western invention, because we are so obsessed with sex.
And one last thing before I stop. If you have a partner and you have sexual issues like the writer of this letter which I was reading in the beginning: don't tell your partner these things I told you. Don't. I talk to you. If your partner wants to hear things like this, he will or she will watch this video herself or himself. What you can do is: you begin to be true to yourself. You listen to me, that is helpful... if you want. Discover yourself. Begin to meditate. And you will notice that this is all you need to do. You don't have to change your partner.
Usually, we rather speak to our partner and say: "I want you to be this way or that way", or: "You shouldn't be this way or that way", or: "Why are you this way or that way?" We want to be helpful; we suggest that he or she will do certain things. But in reality, we only want to avoid our own homework: we want our partner to be different in some way, so we don't have to deal with our issue.
You don't have to talk to your partner about this at all. It's enough if you begin to be true to yourself, and when you begin to discover your source of happiness and fulfillment. And I tell you: the more you discover your own satisfaction, and the more true you are to yourself, the more your partner will change. He or she doesn't even know. It happens automatically. You don't have to say a word.
I need to stop. I'm talking so long. I talked about this issue, this subject of sexuality, a few times already. On my website, you find a category of videos about this. So, if you're interested, watch it. But it's not really important. The only thing you need to remember is: discover where you find that what you are actually looking for. Begin to meditate. Do the Samarpan Meditation. All the rest takes care of itself.
That's, by the way, the reason why all the Gurus... you know, I never understood this in the past. You go to a Guru, and he has the same solution for every problem. So many people come to Swamiji and they ask him all kinds of questions about all kinds of subjects, and he always says the same thing. He always says: "Meditate, that will solve your problem." And that's the reason why: through meditation, through the Samarpan Meditation, you will discover true happiness. For this you don't need anything out there in the world. And once you discover that, all the things in the world... when you don't need them anymore, when you don't need anything from them anymore, they become all free of problems. Everything becomes beautiful. Sometimes it's difficult, sometimes it's... it's just how life is, you know, but you don't care anymore. You are already happy. That's why the Guru always has one remedy for all the problems: because this one remedy takes care of the one thing you need. It's so simple.
And it's not that sexuality is more difficult than other areas of life, but sexuality is so close to us emotionally. All of our misunderstandings and all of the stupid things we do on our search in the wrong direction... in that area of sexuality, we feel the pain the most. And that's why it's so difficult for some people.
And if you enjoy sex, just enjoy it. Nothing wrong with it. There's no contradiction between spirituality and sexuality. Sexuality is something totally natural. It only becomes warped when we look for something there which is not there, that's all.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here.
I love you.